Gianugo Rabellino to Acquire Parmalat

DESIO, Italy, Jan. 16 — Gianugo Rabellino (ZIP: 20033) and Parmalat (Milan: PLT.MI) announced today they have entered into a definitive agreement under which Mr. Rabellino will acquire a stock of six cartons of whole milk for €1.45 each. The offer is valued at approximately €8.70, plus 0.30€ tip for the delivery boy, to be paid entirely in cash (no freakin' corporate luncheon vouchers). "I expect this deal to provide me with at least 8g of fat", says Gianugo Rabellino, "of which no less than 5g saturated, which makes a great béchamel for my award-winning lasagne".

"The addition of Gianugo to our growing customer base is a major accomplishment for our strategy in Lombardy", says Ms. Elvira L., Dairies Manager at Gino's grocery store. "Today's acquisition will be the foundation for a long lasting relationship which will provide both Gino's and Mr. Rabellino with mutual benefits."

"We expect Mr. Rabellino to exercise soon his options on Gorgonzola cheese", says Luigi M., son of late founder Gino and CEO of the award-winning grocery store. "Our free cheese coupons have been a great way to extend our customer base outside Cesano Maderno".

"I'm looking forward to amazing days to come", says S. Rabellino, close member of the family. "This acquisition will guarantee a great benefit for the whole Rabellino community, not to mention a notable calcium surplus, especially for the lucky ones who get invited to the Big Lasagna Party."   

"Will you fix the damn elevator already?", said Peppo, Head of Home Deliveries at Gino's, proudly attending his sophomore year in Marketing, Communication and Various Useless Stuff. "Eight flights of stairs with six cartons of milk on my back, for a measly 30 cents? Rumor has it, other acquisitions were tipped over 1B$, and no stairs were involved."

Mrs. Rabellino has approved the transaction, and the bank has authorized payment for the full sum. Delivery is expected to happen any minute, and supplies are believed to last for at least the next week.

Cautionary Statement Regarding Forward-Looking Statements

This document contains certain forward-looking statements about Mr. Rabellino and Gino's grocery, including statements that involve risks and uncertainties concerning Mr. Rabellino's proposed acquisition of Parmalat. Actual events or results, may differ materially from those described, expressed or implied in this press release, including burning the béchamel or canceling the Big Lasagna Party due to a shortage in egg supplies.



11 thoughts on “Gianugo Rabellino to Acquire Parmalat”

  1. Adrian: I’ll be in SF on the evening of Feb 9th, and then again in March for OSBC. Plenty of occasions then! :)

  2. Well, I’m spending lots of time in London, so there goes your chance for meeting up. Maybe not with Lasagne, but I’m sure a beer will do!

  3. Shane, you just blew one (see party@a.o) :-) Now, I just need to find a proper kitchen during my trips, then I’m game. Or you just fly over here and enjoy some Italy while at it.

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